Another Sunday

It started out early this morning. Up at about 5:15. Ate some oatmeal, first of the year! Got ready and headed for my first meeting of the morning. Church was good today, but I ended up with a killer headache. It only got worse as the morning progressed. I got home about 2 and grabbed something to eat, took some Alieve, changed and went to bed. I got a couple hours of rest, not sure how deeply I slept, but the food and the pills helped. I was feeling pretty good when the kids got here about 5:15. We grilled burgers and had chips and fixings. I enjoy having the kids over, we had a good time, they just never seem to stay long enough.

My son will be 22 this Thursday. He has outgrown his suits, and wants to have a new one, one that fits. It looks like his sister and her husband and my wife and I will split the cost of one for him. We have been a bit concerned because of h is breakup with a girlfriend. That happened about 2 weeks ago, but he had a date with a different girl this last week, so I guess he's getting over it!

Heard a bit from my other son this weekend. Text messages, but it was a busy weekend and I was out of range for most of the day yesterday. Sundays get a bit hectic for me, but it's good to be busy with church work. It's wholesome and satisfying. If text messaging is all we can do sometimes, it's better than nothing! I just need to learn how to hit those little buttons faster I guess!

Well, enough of this for today. It's late and I have had a long day, well, not THAT late I guess, but I'm tired and the headache is hanging on just a bit, I don't want it to come back, so I think I will head to bed. I hope all is well with everyone and that all a had peaceful and relaxing weekend.

Good night

4Weeks

Wow, has it been that long? It seems as if such a short amount of time has passed. So much has happened, and has happened so fast. Some good, some bad, but the good definately outweighs the bad, way outweighs. I'm not going to let the bad get to me, I can't, it's trivial and needs no longer to be discussed, so I'm not going to.

Today was a pretty good day. Slept in, did some chores around the house and then drove about 45 minutes to the lake probperty of some good friends. We spent the afternoon and evening with them. We spent time shooting at clay pidgeons, bowling pins and pop cans. All were pretty well destroyed. We then grilled burgers and ate. By now it was getting dark and we got a fire going outside and sat for a couple of hours enjoying each other's company, the leaping flames and roasted marshmallows, at least they did, I don't eat them. It was after 9 when we left and it was an hour home. We then stopped for groceries because the kids are comeing for dinner tomorrow. We got home about 10:30 and I needed to send some email and write this down.

It was peaceful and relaxing today. I wish more days were like that. I hope everyone can have days like that.

More tomorrow if I get a chance!

Ghost Whisperer

Well, it's after nidnight, I do stay up this late sometimes, even thought more than one prson has suggested that I am old. Good show tonight. It hit home, especially now. Good show, made me think, made me cry, made me feel. I'm glad that it did. I guess you had to see it to understand, to put it into context, along side everything else. I'm glad that I watched it.

Friday night, one more day to the end of 4 weeks

Ok, so today was a good day. I've had better, but I am dealing with recent events that have been very painful. I've decided that it just isn't going to be a subject for discussion beyond the walla of my home, with my wife. It's not worth the hurt or the misrepresentation and misunderstanding. It's been put out for public viewing and I came out the jerk due to the way it was written. I find it rather manipulative, but, for me, it is now a closed subject, I will move on and consider any damage done to be water under the bridge and let it go. I will, however, expect that my feelings and my opinions will be respected, even if they aren't agreed with. We should all be able to agree to disagree. Isn't that part of life?

It's Friday night. I generally watch Ghost Whisperer, but tonight I recorded it. I will watch it before the night is done. I did watch 3 Wishes and it broought me to tears. 3 Marines who had lost 47 members of their unit in Iraq were granted the wishes of their families. They got new homes. They were shown the appreciation that was due them. One young woman, 2 children, left a widow due to the war, was also given a new home and was given a full ride university scholarship with books, fees and supplies paid as well as tuition! How cool that she was recognized for her loss.

As I left work today, I did a stupid....I'll probably get busted for it on Monday, if not before....it was just one of those days. No too stupid, but still stupid. I'm sure it will be ok. As I get older and my brain gets fuzzier, I do those things sometimes......I react before I think! I'll have to rectify that and not let it happen again. Ah, well, another one of those water under the bridge things!

This is shaping up to be a beautiful weekend. The weather was fantastic today. We are going to the lake with some friends tomorrow afternoon. We will roast hotdogs and make s'mores and just enjoy the company. Tonight I sat on my deck with a fire blazing in the chimenea. It was peaceful and relaxing and quiet. My wife had gone to a bday party for one of the women we work with in scouts. I didn't know it was a jewelry party until she came home and told me she had spent 60 bucks! She did that last week at a candle party. I'm going to have to not let her go to anymore parties! To give her credit, the candle party purchase was a nativity and she collects those. we buy her one every year to add to her collection. She says this one is a nice one, but I have yet to see it. Less than a month and we will have to start putting Chritmas stuff up. We have already begun singing christmas carols at church....ranks right up there with WalMart and the world of retail and getting Christmas stuff on the shelves before Halloween is even gone!

Well, I'm off to the basement to watch Ghost Whisperer. I hope it's a good one. They have all been pretty good so far.

Good night.

Late in the day.

Ok, it's late, I just got home from my meeting and with the driving, coupled with the lack of sleep last night, I'm bushed. today was an ok day, maybe bordered on great a time or two. My meeting this evening went well, even if we did have to drive an hour each way. the drive h ome was tuff.

Sometimes it's hard to function when everyone you love and care about seems to think they know better what you need than you do. I wonder why this is. Selfishness, careing, concern? It seems as if feelings are tossed aside just so they can have their way. It doesn't matter about the pain that is caused, or the anger and frustration. In my opinion, this has been blown way out of proportion and has gone way to far and has been taken there for the wrong reasons. It was taken there on heresay. He said, she said. Taken there on opinions formed, opinions, not true knowledge of the situation. The pain that lasted for 30 years, the pain that was healing, the pain that was gong away is now returning. I'm not sure that the depth of the loss and pain is really understood by those that think they know best.

A New Day? .....continued

Yes, it is a new day. I have told her several times that it is up to her to choose the attitude of the day. I choose to try to make today a good day, maybe a GREAT day, if I can. I am running on about 2 hours of sleep, it may be difficult, but I will try. I can't give advice and then not take it myself. Today will at least be a good day.

I had a meeting last night, a scout meeting, it started at 7 and we finally got out about 9:30, it was supposed to be 60-90 minutes, but I needed the extra time. The actual meeting lasted 2 hours, the rest of the time was spent chit chatting with friends....this was an orientation meeting for the staff of the next Woodbadge course we are holding here. Several were new, several were those that I have known for quite some time. We had fun, I was able to push things aside, at least until I got in the car for the 20 minute drive home! Boy, did it change then! Melancholy set in and even with classic rock blaring on the radio, I couldn't break the mood.....I finally laid down for good at about 2:30 or so this morning, woke again at about 4 and never really did more than just doze after that. The alarm went off at 6, and now I am sitting at my desk at work.

The sky is blue, the sun shining. The day is shaping up to be a beautiful day. I have the blinds in my office open. I have a double window that is about 18 feet wide and it gives me a great view of the green grass and the changing trees on the golf course next door.

I have another scout meeting tonight, one that is the final staff meeting for an event that I am chairing in November, just a couple of days after my 50th birthday. It's hard to believe I'm that old. It will be a hectic evening. I have a staff that will number close to 100 and I need to make final preparations for that. I may have to take a long lunch today, as I have to renew my car tags this month and this month doesn't have too many more days in it!

It's a new day and I will try to make it a good day, a GREAT day if I can.

A new day?

It's a new day, at least that is what my watch says. Actually it's been a long night, and I expect it will only get longer. I have prayed for some peace, some comfort, some understanding about why this had to happen now and why it happened the way it did. I have prayed for sleep. I have yet to receive any of that.

I have tried to sleep, I just lay there with my mind racing, I can't seem to slow it down long enough to get some sleep. It has been comforting, in a small way, to lay in bed. I can feel the warmth of my wife's skin and hear her breath as she sleeps. Two of the dogs found it neccessary to snuggle up against me, one of them, TC, got as close as she could, it was like she wanted to crawl under my skin. She layed next to me with her head on my arm and just snuggled. It was as if she knows that I am struggling. TC was rescued from a trashcan, hence the name, that someone had tossed her into after she had been hit by a car. I suppose she was given up for dead. When we found her, she had a huge area, about the size of a saucer, on her back that was nothing but raw meat. One hip was out of joint and the other leg was broken. We took her to the vet who kept her for a month while she healed. We took her home with a cast on her leg and the raw meat slowly healing. Today she is no worse for what happened. She seems to have decided that she wants to have fun and enjoy life, it is her second chance. She is loving and fun loving. She is very expressive, with large brown eyes that just look at you and beg you to pet her! She mothers the other dogs, especially Rosie, who is blind. Tonight she seems to be mothering me.

Even though I hurt and I am angry, I need to thank her for the time she allowed me to be back in her life and for the time she was in mine. It wasn't long enough, but I am trying to understand why, trying to see things from a different perspective. Maybe she will read this, maybe she won't, but I need to say it, need to get it off my mind, maybe it will allow me to sleep, to find comfort. I hope the same for her.

Everyone seems to think this is for the best, I hope so, even though it doesn't seem to be right now. I probably can't see through the pain and hurt very well right now, I hope that will change. I know she is hurting, too. I wish her only the best of everything, I have no bad feelings about her, nor will I ever, just about what has happened and how. Email can be so cold sometimes, so heartless, so easy to write and then click a button to send.

I hope this new day can bring some solace. It is a new day.......

More of today.....

The rest of this day had been as if in a fog. Maybe I haven't been made aware of everything that has happened, that has been happening. Why did it have to come to this? We had been apart, with absolutly no contact for 28 years, we didn't even get 28 days, not even a day per year to make things right, to be friends. I promised I would never leave.....now I have, again. Some promise.

Everything seemed so optimistic today, we were even swapping emails about how to cut back and make everyone happy. Her family, her two kids, wanted her to have absolutely no contact, I suggested MWF, we WERE already not making contact on the weekends, she suggested maybe one day a week, said it was a suggestion, not carved in stone, we could talk about it and come to a mutual agreement. Then, BAM, an email saying good-bye. Good-bye. It sounds so final. You say good-bye when you expect no more, nothing. I have had nothing for 28 years, now after 25 days, nothing again.

I'm angry, I hurt. I don't know if I have ever hurt like this before. Life seems to have drained from me, left me. I feel as if I am being punished for something, though I don't know what.

I know better, I know (hope) this will pass, I don't want the pain of another 28 years. She says she is sending a box. I am not sure if I will have the courage to open it, I don't know if I can stand the pain of one last contact. I'm not sure if it will be the last, but things seemed so final.....good-bye.

Like it or not, she is and always will be on my Christmas and birthday list. Maybe I'll not sign the card, maybe I'll not put a return adress on it, maybe I'll just adress it and never send it. I guess I won't know until I do it, or not. Only time will tell. Only time........

I guess I needed to plan for the worst after all............

My wife hurts for me, because I hurt, she held me tonight as I cried, she cried with me, she was angry because of my pain, she hurts because it was another woman that made me hurt. She says she feels like the other woman.....I told her she was the only woman.....she is my constant in all of this, she has shown a strength that I didn't know she had. Her understanding and compassion have bolstered me through this last 3 weeks as I have felt things, emotions, that I have never before felt. I'm sure she will be my strength through this.

She gave and expected so little in return. For some reason, so little could not be given. I don't know why, I guess now I never will know why. She tried to offer friendship and got rejection, now pain. I hurt for her pain.

I know this will end.

Good-bye

One of the worst days in my life-The Last Day

Well, the other shoe has finally dropped, I had a feeling this great, wild ride could not last for long. It did last for 3 1/2 weeks. Due to the sentiments of those that she loves most, we will no longer have contact. I guess I will find out how she is by way of my relationship with our son. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest, like I am looking at a gaping hole where it used to be. Yesterday I couldn't believe how happy I was, how it was possible for a person to find such joy in life, and then today.....what a difference a day makes.....and that isn't even figuratively. The subject of her email was "The Last Day".

She has been under pressure from everyone around her, everyone that loves her, to cut ties, she has. I hope everyone is happy. It's not what either of us wanted, though we both knew we would eventually slow down as our lives started returning to normal after all of this news, all of the things that have happened. This has been so exciting, having her back in my life, a good friend, lost so long ago. True, it was more than a good friendship then, but that is what I was striving for now, to maintain contact on an even keel, to know that she was ok, that I was ok. Where does one go from here after something like this? I know I will survive, I have survived this long and it hasn't always been an easy life, but I have never had to give up something found after 28 years of searching. Never. How do you do that? How do you give up sojmething that has been a part of your life for that long? It's not an easy thought to deal with. It's not going to be easy to do. Her emails have been so refreshing, it's been good to see.......

I have to stop this now....maybe I will do more later today, maybe not, I'm not sure when I will be able to get back to this. She's back out of my life and I am out of hers.........

Down Day

Not sure what happened today. She has sent no email, I have had no word as to how she is doing. It's getting late in the day for no contact. I hope she is well. I know yesterday was an emotional day for her, I hope today has been better. I hope she has stayed busy and has put some thought to all of this, but mainly I hope she has been happy today. I have missed the email, the contact.

On the other hand, I have chatted online with our son and his wife. They are really neat kids. He wanted to call me last night but thought it was too late. I had to tell him today that it was never too late. Never. While I have yet to hear his voice, I did leave him a voicemail, so he has now heard mine. I have come to really enjoy chatting with them, it's been fun, my wife has loved it as well.

Maybe it's easier for us, having both been married before and having 10 years as step parents to one anothers children. We know how to be friends to our children, how to step back and let the other parent do their thing. It hasn't always been easy, but it does make being in this new relationship a bit easier. I have enjoyed getting to know our son and his wife and I have enjoyed becoming their friend.

I am concerned about her. She has not told her children that our son has made contact with me and that she was the one who initiated that contact. She has asked our son and his wife to not tell her children. She is afraid that they will think less of her. I don't think she is giving her children credit. My children have known of their brother for about 8 years or so. They are excited to have him in their lives and one of my stepsons is totally excited. He is a Marine and away from home, but makes it to the city our son is in sometimes. He said he might have to stop by!

I wonder what her children think about me, what they know. She didn't like me for so many years, thought of me as a selfish, uncaring and heartless guy, though maybe not in those exact terms, they are my words, not hers. She initially let our son know how she felt, has she told her children the same? To give her what is due, she has corrected her initial statements to our son and took ownership for what she did. I appreciate her doing that, I don't have to work so hard now! What has she told her children about the relationship we had so long ago? I don't know. Do they hate me? Will they ever know that their brother and their mother have both made contact with me again. My life is much richer for her having called me 3 1/2 weeks ago. I can't help but wonder if she would be better off thinking that I am that selfish person she believed I was for so long. It was easier to dislike me when she thought that, easier to bury the emotions.

I hope she knows that I struggle with the same emotions. I have fosaken the action the brought our son into this world, but I love the child that was the result of that action. I can't help but love him. I am not ashamed of him, but of the action that created him. 30 years has done much to heal that shame and much has happened in the last few weeks that has allowed me to heal even more. I hope and pray that this isn't the end of it. I truly want to have her as my good friend and I want to be hers. If I have to say goodbye again, for her benefit, I will. It won't be easy, but I will do what I have to so that she might find happiness again.

I love you both and will never again do anything to bring pain into your lives.

I am so greatful for my wife and her loving compassion. I know she has struggled in dealing with my feelings and emotions towards a former, I can't say old, I am older than she is, girlfriend and the mother of our son. She has been a strength to me and has helped me grow from all of this. She has said that she has never seen me so relaxed in all the time she has known me. I feel more relaxed, more content. My life is so much richer from this experience that it has ever been. I have had many extremely happy times in my life. The births of my children. The day I married my wife. The day she called. the day our son first emailed me. There have been more, but these are at the top and will remain right up there!

We have found out that we will be grandparents next year. My oldest stepson and his wife are expecting a baby in June or July. What a ride we have been on this past few weeks.

Week four begins

It was a great way to start the morning.  I was out of bed at about 5 this morning, getting ready for an early morning church meeting.  I had a few minutes, I checked my email.

I had sent our son some pictures the last night, I had promised him some, and will still send more.  I was just looking to see if he had received them.  He had and responded by sending more of his own.  He started the email with “Dad”.  I didn’t ask for that, he offered.  I will be whatever/whoever he asks me to be.  I will allow him to drive the car we are now in and take it what ever direction he is comfortable with.

I spoke to a good friend at church today, let him read an excerpt from a book that tells about the reunion of our son with his birthmother by mail, when he finished, I told him that it was my son in the book.  He is an adoptive father with 5 adopted children, none of his own.  I wanted to hear about things from his perspective, I did.  He had questions, I answered.  It was a good thing for us both.  We will talk again.

It’s been a good day.

The last day of the 3rd week

Ok, so yesterday wasn’t a good day, it got better as the day closed.  Emails we swapped and in one of them a good friend, who just had to have the last word for the day, gave me some good insight and suggested I look at a website that had some stuff about birthfathers.  I looked, I read, I cried, I joined.  I need to thank her for that.

Last night I chatted with our son and his wife via IM until 1:45 am my time.  It was so much fun to be able to chat real time rather than swap emails back and forth.  It gave me some insight as to their personalities, both are a lot of fun!  He and his younger brother and sister will get along just fine!  They are birds of a feather!

This is going to be a GREAT weekend and it’s only just begun.

Friday of the third week, one more day

Not sure what to think today. Got an email this morning that wasn’t really positive, scarred me actually. Made me do some serious thinking. She has been told to run, as fast as she can. I know she is confused, the talk, the emails have been so healing, so revealing. I have been told that I have never seemed so relaxed, so calm. We discussed the email some, we have decided that it needs to slow down, we need to stop running at warp speed. We can’t reconcile 30 years of pain in 3 weeks. Weekends are already taboo, time to let the week sink in, time for ourselves, time to be with family and spouses. There will be opportunity enough.

I haven’t heard from our son or his wife since yesterday. I sent a long email last night, but have had no response. I’m concerned there, too. I’m not sure if there is something wrong or not. I don’t want to intrude until I am more sure of myself and whatever relationship that would like to have with me. Maybe after a while it will be easier for us all.

I hope the weekend is good to us all. That we find some satisfaction in whatever we do. I hope all is well with everyone.

It’s late, I have some paperwork to finish and I think I will try to get it done before bed. I’m also 200+ pages behind in my reading. I need to catch up. Maybe I will get some of that done this weekend.

Good night.

Into the 3rd week

Pretty interesting week so far.  I can’t believe how happy I have felt over the last few days.  The talking and writing is doing wonders for my soul.  I have never in my life felt this happy, felt this light hearted, felt this much joy!  I never even realized that it was possible.  The two children that I raised will be making contact with their newly discovered brother.  I know that my daughter already has.  They are both excited over the prospects I think.  My wife has made steps towards my son and towards his birth mom.  She wants to be a part of this and I want her right by my side through it all.  She tries hard to understand and I think she comprehends how I feel, but she knows that she will never really know the feelings because she hasn’t been in our shoes.  I love her to death, she has been such a wonderful support.

I know this is happening for a reason.  We are meant to be happy on this earth, not to live in sorrow.  There has been too much sorrow and pain over the last 30 years.  It has never been truly expressed, but rather bottled up and kept inside.  Such a burden has been lifted from my shoulders now that I know that she forgives me.  I have been able to finally ask her for that forgiveness.  She now knows that I forgave her a long time ago.  For 30 years she did not know.  While we have forsaken the actions and events the gave us a son, we are so proud of what he has become, so very thankful for a loving family that raised him.  Words cannot adequately express my gratitude and feelings.  I hope he knows what he has brought into our lives in the way of joy and happiness and release of pain.  I have had my emotions on the edge of my sleeve for the last 2 ½ weeks.  I have never cried so much in my life.  I know I am healing, I know she is healing.  We will all be fine.

Wow, what more can I say?

Tuesday

I woke up this morning at 6 and couln'dt get back to sleep. I got up and checked my email. I had new mail from overnight, what a way to wak up to a new day! Mail from her, from our son and from his wife. Wow! I have seen pictures, we have swapped more mail. I had to take a day of for some brain time. I needed to allow this all to digest. Allow the dust to settle. I sent a couple of emails to her today, I got one short response saying that she was just to emotional to write, she just didn't feel like it. Phone time! I called her, she sounded so down. We talked for about 45 minutes or so, maybe longer. I got her to laugh, we talked about Red and Green M&Ms. It was a personal thing for us, so many years ago, long before the bags came out at Christmas with just the red and green. She had to buy so many bags of those things just to get a jar of red and green....I still don't know what she did with all of the rest of them. I hope she didn't save them, they probably aren't very good by now. Our son and his wife seem to be very internet savvy. They sent me a list of 5 web sites that they each had. 10 sites total. I guess I know what I will be doing tomorrow. I want to learn more, see more. I want to get to know them and let them get to know my wife and I. I am jealous that she has been able to spend time with them already. I can be so selfish sometimes! I might be jealous of it, but I am so happy for them all. Questions have been answered, though I as sure there are many more. This is just the beginning, I hope it never ends.

My other children want to get to know our son. They are excited and lke the idea of having a big brother. They have known about him for probably 8 years or so. My daughter called tonight wanting more nformation. She can be very outgoing and she can be very onery in a good sort of way. I expect that she will enjoy all of this immensly.

It's late, it's time for me to hit the bed, I have an early morning. Good night.

Wow!

Wow, what a day! What an incredible day! The weekend was hard, but it was the right thing to do. We need to take some time off, we need that down time to let emotions and feelings heal and develop. We did survive the weekend, we didn't break our own rules, I was not about to disappooint again!

This last 2 1/2 weeks has been one incredible ride!

I received an email this evening. I had been mowing the lawn and decided I needed to check my email. I saw one from her pop up, I read it and as I went back to the message headers, there it was. I have been hoping, waiting for this day. I have thought of the possibilities of this day for so long. Here it is. How sweet can it get?

He is well, he sounds happy and he wants to get to know me and my family, which he is welcome to become a part of. I hope he does in some way. I hope we can get to know one another.

My wife was with me as we read the email, we shed tears of joy together. I called her and let he know that he had made contact, she knew that already, some surprise I had for her! What a day! The emotions are so incredibly sweet. I called my mother, she knew from the beginning, has always known of a grandson somewhere, has always wondered. She said she knew that this would happen. She is excited and happy. I told my sister, the one mom lives with. I guess I had told her some time ago about what had happened, she mentioned it to my daughter about 3 years ago and has wondered, we now need to wonder no more.

There is so much I want to know, so much I want to say. I'm not sure that I can adequately express my feelings, I h ope that I can, I hope he can understand, I hope I can. This is one high that I hope I never come down from.

Saturday Night

Well, here it is, almost exactly 2 weeks later, give it about 35 minutes. It has been an amazing 2 weeks. I am just waiting for a phone call, or an email, that I hope will come. We decided to take the weekends of, not that we won't miss email from each other, but it would be unfair to our families to take time away from them to write to each other. The down time will probably be good, giving us some time to digest the news of the week before.

Last weekend was hard, not being able to communicate, but it was a forced absence as I was at a Scout camp all weekend without the ability to do so. This weekend has been harder because here I sit at my computer with a broadband connection and an email the needs to be responded to. I will wait until Monday, it was, after all, my suggestion, but we both agreed that it would be a good idea.

We still have so much to talk about, so much time to catch up on. We can't, obviously, cram all that into 2 weeks. We are so fortunate to have the spouses we have. It's hard to believe the level of understanding and compassion that they are willing to give! We are also so fortunate to be able to share our lives with one another.

I am so jealous of her and the fact that she has already established a relationship ith our son. I am also so happy for her. It brings her such joy to be able to have him in her life. She has had so much pain for so long, the happiness and joy that this bring her now is only a small protion of what she deserves. I hope her pain is eventually lifted so she can have nothing but joy in her life.

Im still on a high......

I’m still on a high from the first of October.  It’s all so hard to believe.  It’s hard to get to sleep at night because of how my mind races.  I’m trying to still believe that this is all happening.

I’m hoping that her husband is as supportive of her need to heal and our need to talk as my wife is.  He could be upset about the 3 ½ hour phone call the other night.  As of yesterday afternoon he had said nothing to her about it.  She was going to talk to him last night and see if there were issues.  I hope not.  My last wish is to cause more pain.   Know this is a lot to digest for us all.  My wife has been very supportive and has even suggested ways that I might be able to better deal with things.  It was her suggestion to write how I feel, though I think I took it a bit further when I started to do it this way.  I wanted to be able to share with those who are important to me.

I’m hoping that I will have some email or a phone call soon.  The information she sent our son should be arriving any time now.  I hope he calls or gets in touch somehow.  It was such a relief to hear from her, to know she was ok after all these years, I want to know the same from him.

I hope to hear from both of them soon.

Life in Kansas

What a rollercoaster I have been on for almost two weeks. Most people would have probably gotten sick and thrown up by now! I'm excited, yet apprehensive. I had hoped that this day, this time in my life would come, I thought I was prepared. Im not so sure now! So much has happend since October 1st!

I'm still amazed and in a daze over the fact that she called. I don't think I could tell anyone much of what has happened over the last 12 days. I know I have been functioning, I'm alive, I still have a job, my wife still loves me and my kids don't hate me!

I've learned some about "our" son. I know he is a good man, has had some struggles in his life, is married, has no children, still lives in the town where he was born, is tall and has blue eyes. I hope I get to know more. I hope he lets me.

I have also been trying to catch up on 28 years. I have missed her, and him. I have wondered how they were, where they were, what they had become. Her life has not been easy. Knowing what I have gone through only makes it worse when I know that what she has gone through is so much more difficult. I didn't live with him for 9 months. I didn't get to see him, however briefly. I wish she had been able to hold him, to say good-bye, to tell him why. I hope she has been able to do some of that now. I wish I could take her pain away.

We talked for 3 1/2 hours last night, the second call in as many weeks. I hope there are more, I owe her to help her heal. I need her to help me heal. My wife and her husband have been wonderful through out all of this. I couldn't ask for better support. I hope they both know how important they are to each of us, how thankful we are for the support and compassion they share, the understanding they give. She has no desire to hurt my wife and I have no desire to hurt her husband. This is such an awkward situation, but we will survive it. If our trials make us stronger, we'll be superhuman after this!

October 1, 2005, A day to remember

Why does this day have relevance? This is the day that a silence ended. She called! I have spent a great amount of time over the past 30 years looking, thinking, wondering "what if". She ws timid and apprehensive on the phone, I could hear it in her voice. She thought that I had abandoned her so many years before, she didn't know that I have been looking, that I really did care. She was worried that I wouldn't want to talk to her. She asked me not to hang up on her, twice. We talked, I know it was about an hour, but it couldn't make up for 28 years.

I last saw her in the spring of '77. I was on my way to Arizona for my first duty assignment after my advanced training in the army. I had joined in January 1976.

I left school in the spring of '75. She stayed. We lost contact for a while. I found out in the fall of '75 that she was pregnant. I found out when I received a release form from the adoption people. I wasn't sure what to do. I did what I thought she wanted, based on the letter I received with the form. I should have tried to talk to her. I now know better. We just didn't know how to talk I guess. We were young and didn't know.

A son was born late in 75. I saw her again on the trip to Arizona, but again, we didn't talk about our past. We should have. She was in love again, we had been apart for 2 years. I don't know why we didn't talk. I lost contact with her after that. Until October 1, 2005.

My life so far

This has been a rather interesting week and a half. I'm not sure where to beging the recent events, but suffice to say, it really began 31 years ago. I met her in the fall of my freshman year in college. She knocked me off my feet. We both worked in that activity center of the university we were at as student custodians, we worked the early morning shift normally. We also set up for basketball games and other activities, so we did do some work outside our normal shift. I first remember seeing her sitting on a canister vacuum against the back wall of the elevator, wow!

Suffice to say that I got to know her and out relationship grew. We were young though, and made mistakes. We went places we should not have and as a result of our relationship, she became pregnant.

The pregnancy of a single woman 30 years ago, especially within the "society" that we had both been raised in. Our "society" did not allow for that.

I had left school by the time she found out, for some reason, I never knew until I received papers from the adoption people sent requesting that I sign a release. I was young, wasn't sure what I should do. I did what I thought she wanted, based on the paperwork and the letter that I had received, I signed and gave my permission. soon after, a son was born, it was 1975.

In January 1976 I joined the army, I had somehow reestablished contact with her, though I really don't remember how. We didn't talk about the sone we had. Maybe we were still too young, too ashamed, too scared. I went to basic training in South Carolina and remember one letter in particular from her, though she doesn't remember. I completed my advanced training in Massachussetts and was transferred to Arizona and on my way stopped and saw her in the spring of '77. She was in love with someone else by now, we had been apart for 2 years. We spent an evening together before I headed for Arizona, again, not talking about the son we had. Little did I know that this evenign would be the last time I would talk to her or hear from her for the next 28 years.