Down Day

Not sure what happened today. She has sent no email, I have had no word as to how she is doing. It's getting late in the day for no contact. I hope she is well. I know yesterday was an emotional day for her, I hope today has been better. I hope she has stayed busy and has put some thought to all of this, but mainly I hope she has been happy today. I have missed the email, the contact.

On the other hand, I have chatted online with our son and his wife. They are really neat kids. He wanted to call me last night but thought it was too late. I had to tell him today that it was never too late. Never. While I have yet to hear his voice, I did leave him a voicemail, so he has now heard mine. I have come to really enjoy chatting with them, it's been fun, my wife has loved it as well.

Maybe it's easier for us, having both been married before and having 10 years as step parents to one anothers children. We know how to be friends to our children, how to step back and let the other parent do their thing. It hasn't always been easy, but it does make being in this new relationship a bit easier. I have enjoyed getting to know our son and his wife and I have enjoyed becoming their friend.

I am concerned about her. She has not told her children that our son has made contact with me and that she was the one who initiated that contact. She has asked our son and his wife to not tell her children. She is afraid that they will think less of her. I don't think she is giving her children credit. My children have known of their brother for about 8 years or so. They are excited to have him in their lives and one of my stepsons is totally excited. He is a Marine and away from home, but makes it to the city our son is in sometimes. He said he might have to stop by!

I wonder what her children think about me, what they know. She didn't like me for so many years, thought of me as a selfish, uncaring and heartless guy, though maybe not in those exact terms, they are my words, not hers. She initially let our son know how she felt, has she told her children the same? To give her what is due, she has corrected her initial statements to our son and took ownership for what she did. I appreciate her doing that, I don't have to work so hard now! What has she told her children about the relationship we had so long ago? I don't know. Do they hate me? Will they ever know that their brother and their mother have both made contact with me again. My life is much richer for her having called me 3 1/2 weeks ago. I can't help but wonder if she would be better off thinking that I am that selfish person she believed I was for so long. It was easier to dislike me when she thought that, easier to bury the emotions.

I hope she knows that I struggle with the same emotions. I have fosaken the action the brought our son into this world, but I love the child that was the result of that action. I can't help but love him. I am not ashamed of him, but of the action that created him. 30 years has done much to heal that shame and much has happened in the last few weeks that has allowed me to heal even more. I hope and pray that this isn't the end of it. I truly want to have her as my good friend and I want to be hers. If I have to say goodbye again, for her benefit, I will. It won't be easy, but I will do what I have to so that she might find happiness again.

I love you both and will never again do anything to bring pain into your lives.

I am so greatful for my wife and her loving compassion. I know she has struggled in dealing with my feelings and emotions towards a former, I can't say old, I am older than she is, girlfriend and the mother of our son. She has been a strength to me and has helped me grow from all of this. She has said that she has never seen me so relaxed in all the time she has known me. I feel more relaxed, more content. My life is so much richer from this experience that it has ever been. I have had many extremely happy times in my life. The births of my children. The day I married my wife. The day she called. the day our son first emailed me. There have been more, but these are at the top and will remain right up there!

We have found out that we will be grandparents next year. My oldest stepson and his wife are expecting a baby in June or July. What a ride we have been on this past few weeks.