More of today.....

The rest of this day had been as if in a fog. Maybe I haven't been made aware of everything that has happened, that has been happening. Why did it have to come to this? We had been apart, with absolutly no contact for 28 years, we didn't even get 28 days, not even a day per year to make things right, to be friends. I promised I would never leave.....now I have, again. Some promise.

Everything seemed so optimistic today, we were even swapping emails about how to cut back and make everyone happy. Her family, her two kids, wanted her to have absolutely no contact, I suggested MWF, we WERE already not making contact on the weekends, she suggested maybe one day a week, said it was a suggestion, not carved in stone, we could talk about it and come to a mutual agreement. Then, BAM, an email saying good-bye. Good-bye. It sounds so final. You say good-bye when you expect no more, nothing. I have had nothing for 28 years, now after 25 days, nothing again.

I'm angry, I hurt. I don't know if I have ever hurt like this before. Life seems to have drained from me, left me. I feel as if I am being punished for something, though I don't know what.

I know better, I know (hope) this will pass, I don't want the pain of another 28 years. She says she is sending a box. I am not sure if I will have the courage to open it, I don't know if I can stand the pain of one last contact. I'm not sure if it will be the last, but things seemed so final.....good-bye.

Like it or not, she is and always will be on my Christmas and birthday list. Maybe I'll not sign the card, maybe I'll not put a return adress on it, maybe I'll just adress it and never send it. I guess I won't know until I do it, or not. Only time will tell. Only time........

I guess I needed to plan for the worst after all............

My wife hurts for me, because I hurt, she held me tonight as I cried, she cried with me, she was angry because of my pain, she hurts because it was another woman that made me hurt. She says she feels like the other woman.....I told her she was the only woman.....she is my constant in all of this, she has shown a strength that I didn't know she had. Her understanding and compassion have bolstered me through this last 3 weeks as I have felt things, emotions, that I have never before felt. I'm sure she will be my strength through this.

She gave and expected so little in return. For some reason, so little could not be given. I don't know why, I guess now I never will know why. She tried to offer friendship and got rejection, now pain. I hurt for her pain.

I know this will end.

Good-bye